I’ve always been told in my lifetime that I’m far more mature than I look. I look like I’m 14 but I act like I’m 26. It may not seem like it sometimes, but most of my life has been spent trying to figure out why some of my peers do the things they do. It genuinely makes no sense to me sometimes.
This is an update on the boy. I haven’t come up with a creative nickname for him, so we’ll call him 25 for now.
Here’s the update: 25 and I are no longer seeing each other.
This happened a week ago. Usually I’m on here right away telling you my life story, but this time instead of being the person who was doing the ending, I was on the receiving end of it and boy, was it a lot harder this time around. I had to actually collect my thoughts and let my emotions run free for a little bit. I allowed myself to just let things sink in and for me to feel every feeling that was coursing through me. I was hurt, angry, confused, disappointed and frustrated. I was a myriad of emotions that I didn’t even know how to deal with and all I could do (because all of my emotions are connected to my tear ducts) was cry.
So, before we get into the nitty gritty, please just keep in mind that 25 is still an awesome person. That he’s still really, really cool and unique in his own way, but that he just wasn’t right for me. Or rather, I wasn’t right for him. And that’s okay. I can’t be right for every guy that comes along. If I was, I would have settled down with WM already.
I’m going to wittle down the story to the bare minimum. Someone who I sought advice from once told me that break-ups are just as intimate as relationships. No one else should know what went on. I agree. So, here we go.
25 came back from his vacation and I saw him the next day. We spent 12 wonderful hours together and in that time, he kissed me, asked me to be his girlfriend, gifted me a pair of earrings (that are absolutely beautiful might I add) and introduced me to some of his greatest friends. It was a magical day to say the least. I enjoyed every single second and I couldn’t have been happier.
My parents are Asian. They are overprotective, helicopter, hovering parents who make me check in every so often and voice their concerns extremely openly (just not always in the most constructive of ways). So, when I got home (considering that I had been gone for 12 hours and this was considered our 3 date), I got a lecture from my parents. They reaction while having valid points and totally deserved, was a little over the top (but that’s another tale for another time).
I’m a pretty honest and open person. I don’t like to beat around the bush, or play mind-games, or play hard to get. I hate trying to seduce someone. I’ve never been good at it and I always end up looking super ridiculous. I decided early on in my teenage years that the best way to approach any relationship (friendship or intimate) was to lay out on the table exactly who I was and the way I lived my life. I hated making friends and getting along with someone, only to find out months down the road that they didn’t like that my parents wouldn’t let me do much, or that I had curfew or that I wasn’t interested in drinking. I learned that the easiest way to find friends who would stick it out with you, was to find friends who understood and accepted the way I lived my life. Essentially, they accepted me for exactly who I was and nothing less than that.
Which is why with 25, I laid out exactly what my parents’ fears and concerns were and their expectations. They were concerns that he had, that I had, that my friends had and they were understandable. Needless to say, he got a little spooked. (Remember, he’s 25. He hasn’t had to answer to his mother in years. Nor does he have to check in, nor does he have weekend chores or things. He does what he wants, when he wants to do it). So, last Wednesday, I got an email (yes, an email. You read that right. No, this is not 1995. It’s 2013, and yes, he broke up with me over an email) telling me that he didn’t think we should see each other anymore. He had his reasons (one of them being my parents’ overprotective nature) and I understood them.
I wasn’t delivering what he needed or wanted out of a relationship. Best that he learned that early on and severed ties now before we got further down the road and we both got too attached.
So, yes. I was upset. I was at home with my mom and my brother and I couldn’t even stay in my house. I walked around my neighbourhood getting my ugly cry on. Now, you may think that’s pathetic but to be honest, I was so so so ready to fall in love with him. I have a very long list of things that I want in a man and he almost fit the bill. Or at least, I thought he did. I was hurt because I was ready to work out our differences, to work out whatever needed to be worked out but I guess he just didn’t see the worth in that.
This email had the subtle hints of “it’s not you, it’s me”. God, I hate that line. Trust me, when they say that line it is most definitely YOU. Which caused me more hurt than I thought it would. He told me in his email that I was an intelligent, beautiful passionate woman. That I was more than what I thought of myself. Yet, he didn’t want to date me but he wanted to see if it could work in a few years. I was confused and frustrated. The two states I hate being the most. (Just a couple of days ago, he did end up telling me that he wanted to be friends. To my astonishment).
Hurting isn’t a foreign feeling to me. I welcome it, because it means that a little part of me is learning and growing through that hurt and you get stronger and you get more confident. Yet, I hurt so much through this one. More so than with WM. Had I fell in love with 25, I think I would have been shattered. I’m still internally analyzing why I feel like this.
So for every single girl out there where you thought something was going to work out and then it took a 360 degree turn and you got twisted around, I know how that feels and man oh man, it sucks and hurts so bad but you have to just keep swimming.
One of you readers told me this once and I’ve never forgotten it: Don’t let anybody dull your sparkle. You never know who’s watching you shine and twinkle.