Anonymous asked: You said that since you and WM got back together, things have changed- and in particular, it was mostly you. I'm interested in knowing what you had to change and how it was a problem. Do you really believe people can change?
Hello!
First off thank you very much for the question, it is always much appreciated. Secondly, thank you for reading the blog. Now, let me answer your question. I’ve always known as a person that I would be a clingy girlfriend and that that would be something that I would have to work on always. I’m not a typically jealous person unless there is reason to be jealous. WM is a pretty laid back guy and I’m more high strung. I plan my week accordingly and back in the first few months (I speak like it’s been years, but it hasn’t. It just feels like it has) I wanted him to plan ahead but he just couldn’t do it. I would consciously put aside one day a week “just in case” he wanted to do something and normally, that day would be wasted at home doing nothing because he would end up being tired or have homework or something. I was sacrificing more than I needed to and without him even asking me to.
I read an article one day about this wife who nagged her husband to pick up the towels off the bathroom floor after bath time even though he was already bathing their son for her, thus clearing one thing off her to do list. The article mentioned that no matter what tone you use and no matter which way you phrase it, it’s still nagging. So I applied that to my relationship to WM. Instead of nagging him to spend time with me, I left him to decide when or if he was up to going out. For us, we have 4 months of blissful summer and he’s working almost everyday and when he comes home, he’s exhausted. He works 9 hour days so I can understand his exhaustion.
His birthday was a few weeks ago and while slightly tipsy, he apologized. Not just for his crazy actions that night (drunk people are unpredictable. Remember that.) but for many things. Right before his birthday, I left him in the dust and told him that we were on a break. Dick move on my part because it was an offside move that he barely saw coming but in that amount of time, I learned a lot. I was able to stop texting him so much. I’m really big on texting and constant contact is a bit of problem for WM (this is where my clinginess comes into play) so I learned that I didn’t need to text every 5 minutes. I realized that he wasn’t going to change. I couldn’t change him as a person but I could change me. I couldn’t get him to like text messaging or to like Skype calling me or to get him to all of a sudden be a romantic. Those are things that another person can’t change for you. He needed to WANT to change those things and he doesn’t WANT to. So I changed me instead.That was something I could control. So I did. I stopped texting him. I stopped asking him if he wanted to do something, and so far it’s working. It doesn’t feel like work anymore. I’m not guilt-tripping him into something he doesn’t want to do. I’d rather be single than go on a date with him simply out of guilt or obligation.
One big thing that was a huge deal for us was honesty. I’m not saying that we were lying to each other. Both of us are brutally honest. Rather, we were lying by omission so as not to hurt the other person’s feelings. So right now, we keep saying to each other “you said to be honest” and it’s working. He’ll say something and I’ll look at him appalled and he’ll raise an eyebrow at me and say “remember, you said to be honest” and I appreciate that.
Change is objective. People can change for 2 months and go right back to what they were before or it can be permanent. Depending on what you want to see changed, the person might just need a wake-up call or a slap in the face or something really drastic will have to happen in order for them to come to that moment of realization. I do think people can change. Things happen to people that cause them to change and some people will never change, ever. You can choose to live with it or leave it. It depends on what you’re willing to put up with. You can always change you though. I’ve changed myself various times. I’m a people pleaser though, so criticism that comes my way forces me to intrinsically look at my behavior and change it if I think I’m cringing at myself. I’m always trying to better myself. A lot of people have told me that I’m too hard on myself and that I criticize too much but the only way for me to get better at something, to be the best of the best is for me to be too hard on myself. Not only to I exceed the expectations of the people who are watching me but I’m striving for the next best thing. It works for me in a positive way so that’s one thing I refuse to change.
I hope that answers your question! Thank you for asking it, I appreciate it a lot. Have a great rest of the week! :)
—jessica and zoe
