Anonymous asked: how should I handle fights with my significant other? we havent fought yet but of course that will come up soon? like what do you do? how do you have a good fight and stand your ground? any past experiences?
First of all, brace yourself. Whether it’s a big fight or a little one, it’s going to hurt. It might not come up at all. I’ve known some couples who have small arguments, handle it appropriately and never fight very often. There’s a difference between differing opinions, an argument and a fight. As you can tell, they get bigger and worse as they progress.
First of all, focus on what you’re fighting about. Don’t bring up things from the past that drive you insane. If you’re fighting about the fact that he/she doesn’t stand up to his/her friends, don’t bring up the fact that he/she doesn’t pick up his/her dirty laundry either. That has nothing to do with the topic and it’ll seem like you’re attacking him/her. While you’re going to want to pull every little thing EVER into the argument, don’t. It’ll only make it worse. So remind yourself every other minute or so to stay on topic. Do not go off the rails into a completely different topic.
If it’s something important to you, stick to your guns. Don’t let him/her walk all over you, don’t let him/her seduce you or persuade you. If you want your voice to be heard, make sure it is. If he/she does something like kisses you in hopes that you’ll drop the topic completely, keep your wits about you and make it known that this topic is important to you and that you would really like to discuss it with him/her.
Don’t yell. Yelling will get you absolutely no where, at least in my opinion. Yelling is just a competition to see who is louder and while that would be great in a competitive setting, if you really want to talk an issue out, TALK it out. Use a normal voice level. Sit down like adults and communicate what you’re feeling.
Hear the other person out. Try to listen to the other person before interjecting. Conversations and arguments are not meant for you to persuade the other person to take your point of view, it’s to understand how they’re feeling, what they want and how you’re going to be able to compromise. Active listening is key. If you don’t understand something, say so. The reason why you’re having this conversation is because something is wrong. In order to know what is wrong, you have to understand. You can’t understand anything if you’re confused and have zero clue as to what’s going on.
Remember that some people have different ways of communicating. You might be a great verbal communicator, but some people are better written communicators (I know I am) and it’s all about using those to your advantage. If you’re a written communicator, write a letter and read it aloud to your partner. Interject with your thoughts as you’re reading this letter. If you’re a better verbal communicator but your partner is a written communicator, make it known that written communication is a great way to communicate but that you might need them to be there when you read the letter just in case you have questions.
My best advice? Take a breather for a little bit. Walk away if the conversation is becoming too heated and you’re just arguing and not coming to a solution. Come back in a few days when your thoughts are collected. You’ll be able to wrap your head around the issue and really establish where your feelings are coming from and WHY you’re feeling the way you do.
The only times that I’ve ever fought hardcore have been with my parents and while it’s not a fight like with a significant other, I fight the same with everyone. In silence. I have everything I want to say in my head, but my mouth refuses to move. I had one fight with my parents where I stood up for myself and the guy I was seeing. They were being snoopy and rude and I called them out on it. I also called them out on a bunch of things said in the argument and I stood my ground.
The main point in an argument is to maintain respect for the other person. You respected them before the fight, respect them during it.
—jessica
Taking Risks
Hi All,
I know I haven’t updated in forever, but I am determined to get going and write a bunch of posts tonight so that you have something to look forward to. So first post of the evening is: TAKING RISKS.
I recently took a huge risk when it came to my love life. I’ve been single for about 10 months now. That’s really not that long if you ask me. I was single before WM for 18 years, so 10 months is next to nothing.
That all changed about 10 days ago. I took a risk and asked a boy out. Isn’t that risky? Isn’t that absolutely nuts? I guess I’ve never been that girl who has sat idly by and waited for a man to dictate my future or how I live my life so it’s not very surprising that I took life by the reigns and asked a guy out. It was bold and ballsy and I’m so incredibly confident about it too.
If someone had said to me 3 years ago that I was going to be asking a guy out, I would have scoffed at them and told them that I was way too self-conscious to do anything even remotely close to that, and yet, I’m about 3 months away from my 20th birthday and I’m asking a guy out! Isn’t that amazing? Oh how one changes in a matter of years.
So if you’re thinking of asking that guy out, or that girl out, please try. You never know what can happen or what will come of it.
You could be like me and seeing a really great individual who you just click with. It’s been a whirlwind of two weeks that’s for sure.
Would you ever ask the guy/girl you’re crushing on out?
Casually Dating
Soooooo I’m casually dating! Yay! This is a first for me, and I’m really excited. Usually when I like someone I get really intense and crazy about it. So this time I’m working really hard at taking it slow. Finals are coming up soon and then it’s Christmas so my family - my big sister! - will all be coming home, so life will get very hectic very fast. So yes, but now about the girl, P. So far I think she’s pretty cool. Originally from France so she speaks amazing french, goes to school and is a major in sexual psychology, wants to teach English in Asia next year, loves cats and music and pizza. She has already moved out of home and lives with her roommate and is super independent and pays her own rent and everything. So yeah it’s really nice. We went on a really fun date last weekend - the art gallery and coffee - and then this sunday we are going to the local animal shelter to play with kittens and such. We’ve both agreed that it’s non exclusive though, so no pressure if we don’t text each other 24/7 or if we casually see other people.
Things are looking up people. Also go listen to Jesse Labelle’s music especially One Last Night. :)
Happy Friday. Go Nuts, because I am sure am - another round of bitches brew and beer bong for me tonight!
-Z
Ps. I’ve been working hella hard to spend more time with people other than K, J and M and you guise should see what a social butterfly I’ve become! So many new friends. :)
Anonymous asked: I'm not sure if you've been asked this before, but why did you and wm break up? Are you guys still friends? Do you think it's possible to stay friends with your ex's?
Anon,
I guess I didn’t really say why in full detail why WM and I broke up. There were 3 major things in our relationship that I just couldn’t get past. The first one was that I didn’t trust him. I never doubted his faithfulness or his truthfulness. After the three months from hell, I didn’t trust him to love me anymore. I gave him my heart, hoping and trusting that he would keep it in his hands without crushing it to pieces. He crushed it to pieces. He knew how miserable I was and how upset I was and he chose to not do anything about it. He chose not to make the person he loved, smile again. At the beginning of our relationship, I had expressly told him to not say “I love you” until he felt it and meant it. I didn’t want him to say it because I had said it, or because it was 3 months, so that must mean I have to say it. I didn’t want him to feel pressured to love me. I’m a hard person to love, I get that. Which is why I wanted him to say it because he meant it and felt it. In the end, he didn’t know if he loved me or if he didn’t. I asked him if he did and he had said that sometimes he did and sometimes he didn’t. I accepted it because truthfully, I couldn’t change it and I felt like I deserved it. I had done some less than shining things in our relationship (none that warranted neglect but they definitely warranted anger). Plus again, I’m a hard person to love. So that was reason number one.
Reason number two was because we were incredibly different people. We shared very little in common, but I enjoyed his company so much and I liked listening to him speak and valued his opinion enough that I stuck around for maybe longer than I should have. He’s an incredibly bright individual with such a unique sense of humor and sarcasm. It tickled my insides. I still find myself missing conversations with him. It was easy to talk to him once we knew each other. He would have these catch phrases that were so unique to him. It made me laugh and I still use some of them to this day. WM and I shared things in common, like favorite foods and favorite TV shows and things like that but our core values, what made us who we are didn’t match up as I thought it did.
Thirdly, I felt trapped. You know when you’re with that person who is your best friend? And you can spend hours and hours with them and not care about how much time had passed? Years, days, minutes, it wouldn’t matter because you were enjoying yourself and you knew that it would continue that way for eternity? It wasn’t like that at the end of my relationship with WM. I felt trapped. Like there was this big black square that I was headed towards and all there was, was a giant question mark in its place. I didn’t know what was going to happen and it was suffocating. We would have “discussions” about things. Like how I would want to tell him stories about the kids I work with and he’d just be sarcastic about it. Or I’d ask him to hang out with myself and my family, and he would pass up on it. At 7 months, spending time with my family is almost inevitable. I guess I knew that nothing would happen between him and I. I also knew that he would never break up with me. I’d have to do the breaking up so I did what I had to do.
I can’t say we really are. I don’t think friends is the right word now. We’re just two people who shared memories and feelings together. We aren’t friends but we’re not enemies either. We’re just there. If he talks to me or I talk to him, we can hold a conversation but more often than not we don’t talk to each other or see one another.
It is but someone once told me if you can remain friends with your ex, you’re either still in love with them or there was never love to begin with. I’m not sure which one WM and I are. I loved that boy a lot more than I thought. I still care and worry about him all the time. It’s just in my nature, but honestly, (and this sounds bad) I don’t think he cares for me as much as I care for him.
But I think I always knew that.
—jessica
Anonymous asked: I've been dating this guy for a few months now, but I'm not used to being in a relationship. Guys have never really been interested in me, ever, or if they are they just want in my pants and never actually cared about me as a person. The problem is, because I'm not used to it, the sudden attention is really nice, and I've started to come off as clingy and needy because when we're together, I get the attention. How can I not be so needy?
Girl, OH MY GOODNESS I SWEAR YOU ARE ME. Not even going to lie. You reminded me so much of myself that I begged Zoe that she leave this question for me. Thankfully she is a saint and said yes with a chuckle. What a nice girl she is.
Guys have never really been interested in me either. It got to the point where I actually thought there was something wrong with me. Turns out there isn’t, I’m just oblivious!
Let’s get to your question though. When I started dating WM, it felt really freaking nice to have someone pay attention to me and want to listen to what I had to say. I became incredibly clingy too. Here’s what I learned:
First Step: Congratulations! You’ve already accomplished it! You’ve freely admitted that you are clingy and needy and you want to do something about it. Not many girls realize they’re being clingy or needy (or both). So yay to you for wanting to change that!
Second Step: Talk to your guy about this. Don’t start apologizing. Start of with “I’ve noticed that I’ve been awfully needy lately. I was wondering if you’ve noticed and if you have, is it bothering you?” if he says “yes, it kind of is bugging me”, don’t get too upset. After all, you knew that you were being C&N and you’re here to change it! If he says “no, I haven’t noticed”, that doesn’t give you an excuse to be more clingy. Just realize that perhaps he likes that you cling to him like saran wrap. DO NOT (AND I REPEAT) DO NOT BECOME MORE CLINGY. His attention may not be on you 24/7 but it’s on you enough.
Tip #1: Don’t pull away all of a sudden. He’ll think you’re thinking of breaking up with him and respond in kind. Try and talk it out as much as possible.
Tip #2: Your friends are there for both your pleasure and his sanity. He likes you a lot but he doesn’t like you so much that he wants to LIVE with you…at least not yet. Give him some space to do guy things (you don’t want to sit there and burp the alphabet or watch boxing and drink beer do you? Or watch him play/play video games like Skyrim or League of Legends for hours on end, do you?) and take your girls for the evening and watch a chick flick or go out for coffee or get your nails done. Try not to text him during that time either. The less you say over technology, the more you’ll have to tell him face to face the next time you talk. Send him cute text messages like “missing you! Can’t wait to see you on our next date!” and then leave it. Have fun with your girls, you’ll need it when he gets just a little too “guy” on you.
Tip #3: Don’t be afraid to say no. When he asks you if you want to hang out with him and his friends or watch hockey with him on TV and you’re just not feeling it, just say that you aren’t feeling it. It’s not that you don’t like him, it’s not that you’re lazy, it’s just that tonight is a “you” night. If you don’t want to hang out with his crazy friends and want to read a book instead, the word no really comes in handy. Seeing one another all the time, gives you nothing to talk about and consequently, makes you more clingy because you become used to being with them all the time!
I wish you the best of luck in you relationship :) good luck babe! If he hurts you, let us know and Zoe and I will paintball/TP his house ;)
—jessica
Everything Takes Work, Even the Fun Stuff
As you probably have now witnessed, everything takes work. My relationship with WM took work and Z’s relationship with Grey’s Girl takes an extra bit of work than normal since they’re long distance. However, let me stress something, independence is a HUGE factor in a relationship. If you can comfortably say “sure honey, you take a you-and-your-friends night and I’ll do something just for me” you will be better off. Something I learned in my relationship was that constant contact can actually be detrimental to your relationship. Texting and technology? It can make people crazy, demanding and just plain needy. Back in the 1800s when they didn’t have cell phones, they caught up on each other’s day face to face over a nice coffee date or dinner. When you’re CONSTANTLY talking to each other, you have nothing to share with each other when you SEE each other. So my goal for my next relationship? Do it the old fashioned way. Go on dates, don’t text unless to ask for vital information, get to know one another face to face. It will be so much easier in the long run.
Just remember that everything takes work, even the fun stuff. Especially the fun stuff.
—jessica
Sometimes You Just Have to Let Go…
I am notoriously bad for holding grudges. You wrong me and I mean seriously wrong me and I will hold a grudge for close to a hundred years…or until I forget about it. However, this I will not forget. I went to an amusement park that’s been in town for the last couple of days today with some friends to walk around and pig out on carnival food (I am going to die of either pneumonia or a coronary heart attack, guaranteed). I knew for a fact that WM was going to be there. So stupid me being a nice person I went to go find him and the rest of the what I like to call “nerd crew” (they’re about as nerdy as you get. Loveable nerdy, not bad nerdy). Anyways, the nerd crew was there and I started talking to Girl Nerd and her new boyfriend while WM was off at the ATM machine getting cash and we’ll call his one-out-of-two best friends Animal Junkie. So Animal Junkie is thoroughly annoyed that I am even in a 5 mile radius of them, Nerd Girl is excited to see me and (unsurprisingly) WM is plain indifferent.
So let me rewind a bit. Back before our (WM and mine) 6th month anniversary, I sprung a break on him. It was a 4 day break where I took a breather and was just me. It was a good 4 days and something that I needed after 3 almost 4 months of stressing about our relationship and how I could fix it, while WM just kindly buried his head in the sand and left me to deal with things. I was going crazy and I could feel it. The thing with WM is that he’s a very private guy. Doesn’t really talk to his friends about many things. So when Animal Junkie happened to ask how him and I were, WM told him the truth. We were on a break, for at least a week. Animal Junkie was less than impressed, he called me some colorful words and expressed his very obvious disdain about my decision with the same colorful language. Now, seeing as WM doesn’t divulge any information, Animal Junkie had no information about what was really happening and I wasn’t about to inform him.
My biggest pet peeve is when someone passes judgement when they haven’t heard both sides. How can you say that someone is a bad person when they may have had good reasons for doing so? When WM and I ended our relationship, I was the first one to make the move. I thought to myself “why would I prolong the agony? Haven’t I prolonged it enough? Don’t I deserve better than this?” The answer to all those questions was yes, I had prolonged it long enough and yes, I did deserve better.
Now, Animal Junkie he seems to think that he knows everything. Contrary to his belief, he doesn’t. Odd, I know but that’s what happens. He’s not a robot, he’s a human being.
Tonight, WM ignored me completely (rude) and AJ just glared (also rude) and the both of them were making snide comments about me (doubly rude, I mean really. What are you? 14?). AJ then has the steel balls to say that it was “annoying” running into me. It irks me and aggravates me that, with such minimal knowledge, AJ could pass such rude and untrue judgement about me. Without information, you simply look like a fool and who wants to look like a fool? Along with that? If I recall, he violated the bro-code which, if I’m correct, is a worse offense than a girlfriend breaking up with a boyfriend face to face.
That’s my rant for the night, it may not make sense but I’m seeing red tonight so not a lot makes sense.
—jessica
Anonymous asked: You said that since you and WM got back together, things have changed- and in particular, it was mostly you. I'm interested in knowing what you had to change and how it was a problem. Do you really believe people can change?
Hello!
First off thank you very much for the question, it is always much appreciated. Secondly, thank you for reading the blog. Now, let me answer your question. I’ve always known as a person that I would be a clingy girlfriend and that that would be something that I would have to work on always. I’m not a typically jealous person unless there is reason to be jealous. WM is a pretty laid back guy and I’m more high strung. I plan my week accordingly and back in the first few months (I speak like it’s been years, but it hasn’t. It just feels like it has) I wanted him to plan ahead but he just couldn’t do it. I would consciously put aside one day a week “just in case” he wanted to do something and normally, that day would be wasted at home doing nothing because he would end up being tired or have homework or something. I was sacrificing more than I needed to and without him even asking me to.
I read an article one day about this wife who nagged her husband to pick up the towels off the bathroom floor after bath time even though he was already bathing their son for her, thus clearing one thing off her to do list. The article mentioned that no matter what tone you use and no matter which way you phrase it, it’s still nagging. So I applied that to my relationship to WM. Instead of nagging him to spend time with me, I left him to decide when or if he was up to going out. For us, we have 4 months of blissful summer and he’s working almost everyday and when he comes home, he’s exhausted. He works 9 hour days so I can understand his exhaustion.
His birthday was a few weeks ago and while slightly tipsy, he apologized. Not just for his crazy actions that night (drunk people are unpredictable. Remember that.) but for many things. Right before his birthday, I left him in the dust and told him that we were on a break. Dick move on my part because it was an offside move that he barely saw coming but in that amount of time, I learned a lot. I was able to stop texting him so much. I’m really big on texting and constant contact is a bit of problem for WM (this is where my clinginess comes into play) so I learned that I didn’t need to text every 5 minutes. I realized that he wasn’t going to change. I couldn’t change him as a person but I could change me. I couldn’t get him to like text messaging or to like Skype calling me or to get him to all of a sudden be a romantic. Those are things that another person can’t change for you. He needed to WANT to change those things and he doesn’t WANT to. So I changed me instead.That was something I could control. So I did. I stopped texting him. I stopped asking him if he wanted to do something, and so far it’s working. It doesn’t feel like work anymore. I’m not guilt-tripping him into something he doesn’t want to do. I’d rather be single than go on a date with him simply out of guilt or obligation.
One big thing that was a huge deal for us was honesty. I’m not saying that we were lying to each other. Both of us are brutally honest. Rather, we were lying by omission so as not to hurt the other person’s feelings. So right now, we keep saying to each other “you said to be honest” and it’s working. He’ll say something and I’ll look at him appalled and he’ll raise an eyebrow at me and say “remember, you said to be honest” and I appreciate that.
Change is objective. People can change for 2 months and go right back to what they were before or it can be permanent. Depending on what you want to see changed, the person might just need a wake-up call or a slap in the face or something really drastic will have to happen in order for them to come to that moment of realization. I do think people can change. Things happen to people that cause them to change and some people will never change, ever. You can choose to live with it or leave it. It depends on what you’re willing to put up with. You can always change you though. I’ve changed myself various times. I’m a people pleaser though, so criticism that comes my way forces me to intrinsically look at my behavior and change it if I think I’m cringing at myself. I’m always trying to better myself. A lot of people have told me that I’m too hard on myself and that I criticize too much but the only way for me to get better at something, to be the best of the best is for me to be too hard on myself. Not only to I exceed the expectations of the people who are watching me but I’m striving for the next best thing. It works for me in a positive way so that’s one thing I refuse to change.
I hope that answers your question! Thank you for asking it, I appreciate it a lot. Have a great rest of the week! :)
—jessica and zoe
Anonymous asked: If you already know that WM isn't the one, how are you going to determine when to break up?
Hello friends,
Good question. When I’m fed up and I have no more hope left over or when I stop loving him so fiercely or if he breaks up with me. Those will all happen at some point I’m sure.
I hope that answered your question!
—jessica and zoe.
Anonymous asked: My boyfriend has a foot fetish...i'm really not into that stuff. What do i do? I feel extremely uncomfortable but at the same I really like him and want to please him. Please help!!! - dazed girl
Hello Dazed Girl!
First off, thanks for giving me a name to address you by! It’s nice being able to type something other than “anonymous” or “friend”.
Secondly, thanks for asking your question!
Thirdly, if it really makes you uncomfortable just let him know. You shouldn’t have anything done to you that you don’t feel comfortable with. He may find pleasure in your feet but find a medium ground where it satisfies his fetish and your comfort zone! You can please him without feeling uncomfortable. Talk about your likes and dislikes and experiment. What feels good, what doesn’t and while you’re doing that be sure to watch body language and listen to what you partner is vocalizing. A moan or sigh here or there may mean you’re doing it correctly.Which means, continue doing it!
I hope that helped! If you have further questions don’t hesitate to ask or email us at everydaymahtors@gmail.com! Thanks for reading our blog!
—jessica and zoe
